I've gone through about 4 drafts of this blog. Writing it out, then highlighting and deleting it. Every time I get out what I want to say, I chicken out and backspace, thinking it's just too personal. You see, it's just not enough for me to say to you, "God is bringing me through and teaching me a lot". I have this bursting compulsion to play story-teller and spill exactly what God is bringing through and to shout "Bless His name!! He is GOOD." I could paint you a thousand pictures with my words and take you through a vivid journey of certain seasons of life with me, but oh discerning the fine lines is so difficult. So I'm going to let Scripture take you there. Hang with me, it's as close as I can get to showing you what He's doing without crossing boundaries of confidence. Here we go.
A few weeks ago, I sat in the living room floor with journals, bibles, poster-board, sticky notes, all kinds of stuff and put on my favorite worship CD. I had felt God all day that day pulling my heart toward Him. It was overwhelming. So I waited until I was alone and I prepared myself to meet with Him. I knew what He was wanting too. There is an area of my life that I had not let Him have complete access to, and He was wanting to surface it and heal it. Knowing that I needed healing in the worst way, I finally just decided to sit down and let God work. I was excited to meet Him in the secret place. And as the worship music played, I waited. And waited. I tried to pray, but I felt so distant. Like my prayers weren't making it past the ceiling fan. I waited longer, just hoping God would begin showing me Scripture, speak to my heart, show me something. Nothing. I began to get frustrated.
I was truly heartbroken and angry. I really felt like He'd told me to seek His face, and when I did, I felt like He hid or didn't show. I was so angry that I had big hot tears lining my eyes and I was biting my lip. In my foolish ignorance I told Him, "I'm done. If you're gonna be like every other friend that chooses not to show up when I need them, then I can manage without this nonsense." Yes, yes, I know, foolish. I went to the grocery store a few minutes later to buy some dinner items. I was fighting everything in me not to break down into tears, I was that upset. After ten minutes of purusing, my phone buzzes with a text a message. It was a pastor at a church that I'm going to lead worship for soon.
It read: "Do you think you could sing How He Loves Us when you come?"
And right there, I lost it. And here is where Scripture comes in to tell in summary my roller-coaster.
"You said, 'Seek My face,' and my heart says, 'Your face, Oh Lord, I do seek'. Do not hide your face from me! ... I believe that I shall look upon the Lord in the land of the living! Wait upon the Lord."
-excerpt from Psalm 27
He really does LOVE us. And there will be a day where we look upon His face in the land of the LIVING!! Not the land where everything disintegrates and dies like we know it here. Marriages die, family members and frienships die, we die. But oh, I will wait upon the Lord and I will see Him in all His glory in the land lush with everlasting living!! We are not home yet, and oh how thankful I am that we have not seen anything yet. He is going to come in the couds for His bride, and we are going to sit elbow to elbow with those we've longed to see whole again. No more cancer, no mental illnesses, no blindness, no depression, no death. The land of the living. I only have to wait upon the Lord.