Friday, November 26, 2010

I Shall Look Upon The Lord in the Land of the Living!

I've gone through about 4 drafts of this blog.  Writing it out, then highlighting and deleting it.  Every time I get out what I want to say, I chicken out and backspace, thinking it's just too personal.  You see, it's just not enough for me to say to you, "God is bringing me through and teaching me a lot".  I have this bursting compulsion to play story-teller and spill exactly what God is bringing through and to shout "Bless His name!! He is GOOD."  I could paint you a thousand pictures with my words and take you through a vivid journey of certain seasons of life with me, but oh discerning the fine lines is so difficult. So I'm going to let Scripture take you there. Hang with me, it's as close as I can get to showing you what He's doing without crossing boundaries of confidence. Here we go.
A few weeks ago, I sat in the living room floor with journals, bibles, poster-board, sticky notes, all kinds of stuff and put on my favorite worship CD.  I had felt God all day that day pulling my heart toward Him. It was overwhelming.  So I waited until I was alone and I prepared myself to meet with Him.  I knew what He was wanting too.  There is an area of my life that I had not let Him have complete access to, and He was wanting to surface it and heal it.  Knowing that I needed healing in the worst way, I finally just decided to sit down and let God work.  I was excited to meet Him in the secret place.  And as the worship music played, I waited.  And waited. I tried to pray, but I felt so distant.  Like my prayers weren't making it past the ceiling fan.  I waited longer, just hoping God would begin showing me Scripture, speak to my heart, show me something.  Nothing.  I began to get frustrated.

I was truly heartbroken and angry. I really felt like He'd told me to seek His face, and when I did, I felt like He hid or didn't show.  I was so angry that I had big hot tears lining my eyes and I was biting my lip. In my foolish ignorance I told Him, "I'm done.  If you're gonna be like every other friend that chooses not to show up when I need them, then I can manage without this nonsense."  Yes, yes, I know, foolish.  I went to the grocery store a few minutes later to buy some dinner items.  I was fighting everything in me not to break down into tears, I was that upset.  After ten minutes of purusing, my phone buzzes with a text a message.  It was a pastor at a church that I'm going to lead worship for soon. 

It read:  "Do you think you could sing How He Loves Us when you come?"

And right there, I lost it.  And here is where Scripture comes in to tell in summary my roller-coaster.

"You said, 'Seek My face,' and my heart says, 'Your face, Oh Lord, I do seek'. Do not hide your face from me! ... I believe that I shall look upon the Lord in the land of the living! Wait upon the Lord."
excerpt from Psalm 27
He really does LOVE us.  And there will be a day where we look upon His face in the land of the LIVING!! Not the land where everything disintegrates and dies like we know it here.  Marriages die, family members and frienships die, we die.  But oh, I will wait upon the Lord and I will see Him in all His glory in the land lush with everlasting living!!  We are not home yet, and oh how thankful I am that we have not seen anything yet. He is going to come in the couds for His bride, and we are going to sit elbow to elbow with those we've longed to see whole again. No more cancer, no mental illnesses, no blindness, no depression, no death. The land of the living.  I only have to wait upon the Lord.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Puzzle Pieces

"Even when I don't see, I still believe"...-lyrics written by Jeremy Camp

I've had a few songs pretty much playing on loop on my itunes list the past few days.  I am choosing not to go into a lot of detail about what God is doing right now, because He's not finished with this work in  me, and I don't want to jump the gun telling you a piece of the story when in given time I can tell you the story top to bottom.  But bottom line, I've discovered that songs are very much like journal pages of my life. By listening to a song I can remember exactly where I was in a given season, and am reminded of the emotion, thoughts, and revelations I've had with God in a particular journey.  I am finding that by almost assembling a "playlist" of songs, I can tell you my story from beginning to present.  It's like all these different songs from different seasons, different days, moments fit together as intricate puzzle pieces, forming a moziac that is my story of faith. 
Right now I can look back in time at when certain songs meant something to me, and I can see God's hand on me.  I can see that He was holding me, even when at the time I couldn't see or feel Him.  Which means, that even now as I type, in this moment He is holding me, is near me.  And in time I will be able to look back at the moment I'm in now and be able to SEE clearly that which I had to choose first to believe. 
Keep the faith brother, sister.  You are being held.  Even now.

Friday, November 12, 2010

He's after me!

I'm sorry for the spurt of absence! In case anyone actually reads these blogs, I do actually try to stay faithful in posting. 
I Love Lucy is glowing on the TV above the fireplace, the hardwood floors are cold through my socks when I walk around the house.  It's time for some reading and a cup of hot chocolate (I'm visiting my parents' house, and they are the only people on the planet who don't have a coffee maker).  I feel like I've been in rehab this week, detoxing slowly and painfully off of caffeine.  The whole family just left the house for the weekend, so I'm in a quiet house for a few day.  And isn't that just like God? 

You see, I've felt Him beckoning me to Himself for a few days now, and I just have not set time aside to meet with Him and find out what He's up to.  I know, I know, that sounds awful.  But the thing is, I feel Him beckoning me to Himself because there's work to do.  There are things in my heart that I feel Him trying to bring to the surface and deal with, and when I feel that coming, it's easy to find oneself too busy to slow down.  But now, oh alas, the family is gone, and I don't have neeeear enough homework to last me the whole weekend. I'll likely be done by noon today.  So, what am I going to do?  I'm going to let Him tackle me today.  I've appointed time today to sit down and just let Him bring out the good, bad, and ugly, to heal me from the inside out. 

Now, my friend, my reader, here's what I want to leave you with.  is there something you know God has been wanting to surface and deal with in your life?  Have you ever been through a time where you avoided God?  has there ever been a time when you avoided Him and then it paid off to let Him catch you?  Tell me about it.  I'd love to hear your fugitive stories!  They may just be what someone else needs to hear...or even, what yours truly needs to hear.  :)  Comment below my sisters and brothers. Have a great weekend!